Identity Shift, BLE and the Work

Susan had a great blog on how BLE is much more likely to be successful if you recognize that part of what needs to happen is an identity shift. For me I can’t do you BLE unless I stop drinking alcohol. Is soon as I drink, I eat everything in sight. Then I rebound from that and have more cravings–you know the vicious cycle. If I don’t drink, I’m completely content on the BLE plan. I guess I would say more than content. I feel really happy, I have a lot more energy, my level of cognitive functioning is so much higher. I feel great! Until I think of the next holiday or party where I won’t be drinking. I’ll be a non-drinker. That is an identity that feels really difficult for me. I like to be a party girl. And yet I know my thinking around this is superficial. But yeah. That’s my struggle. I need to do the work on my thoughts around this.

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Week 6: Bright Line Eating and The Work of Byron Katie.

I do notice that I am plagued by certain thoughts. One of them is this. “It’s taking too long to get to goal weight.” Or

“I’ll never get there.”

1. True?

No

So skip question 2.

3. How do you react when you believe that thought?

Angry. Resentful. Frustrated. Critical jealous. Cross. Irritated. Controlling. Impatient. Contrary. Annoyed.

Depressed: despairing self-critical stuck tired despondent discouraged resistant contracted.

Confused: uncertain. Distrustful. Uncomfortable. Comparing. Demanding.

Helpless: fatigued. Vulnerable. Victimized.

Afraid: Nervous. Worried. I’m scared. Frightened.

Hurt: Rejected victimized wronged miffed indignant suffering

Sad: Anguished. Unhappy. Dismayed. Fragile. Forlorn.

Judgmental: Combative. Ranting. Scolding. Stern. Unfair. Bossy. Rude. Complaining. Fault Finding.

4: without the thought

free kind present loving happy thankful cheerful sunny lighthearted easy-going mellow good humored interested involved attentive thoughtful focused alive Liberated exhilarated optimistic wonderful great engaged positive inspired enthusiastic hopeful helpful calm peaceful certain Serene comfortable pleased encouraged surprised bright blessed clear balanced.

Lol. That thought definitely belongs to the sabatoeur!

It’s really interesting how subtle the sabatoeur can be. “If you focus on the weight you lose your bright lines. if you focus on your bright lines you lose the weight!!!” Oh my gosh so true. Goals for today: print the nightly check list tonight. Write down my food!

I also use it on the sensation of hunger. The thoughts were, while deep breathing and experiencing the hunger sensations: I can’t take this. This is too much for me. I have to make these feelings stop.

They turned out to be a totally true. The Sensations really are enjoyable. In their own strange way!

Week 3 BLE: questioning relapse thoughts using the work of Byron Katie.

So yesterday was Easter Sunday. What happened was pretty interesting. I was so solid for the past five weeks on my bright lines. It seemed like there was no way I was going to cross them. During that five weeks I’ve been under some really stressful situations and even then no chance of anything happening. And then yesterday I was relaxed and I was cooking up the Sunday dinner which I really enjoy. And I put out some nice pate for everyone else, and looked around for the special cheese I purchased. Which I never could find. But then all of a sudden the part of the brain that Susan talks about– which part?-/-anyway that part said “let’s have a beer.” And I just poured out half a beer for me half for my husband. And I just drank it. It was totally delicious. And then I had about 4 ounces of the pate. It was also incredibly delicious. And then my son arrived on the scene with a super expensive bottle of whiskey. LOL. Well guess. Three glasses of whiskey. And then I felt really irritable like I wanted more but the other part of my brain suddenly clicked back on and said “stop.”

At about noon today I got really sick and threw up in the parking lot at work. I came home and I had a few cups of chamomile tea. I couldn’t eat a thing. But at about 3 PM I started feeling better. I had the protein and fat part of lunch. But didn’t feel like fruit or veggie. Then my son came in with some Easter candy. And then I just had a whole bunch of Easter candy. And then when I was putting the Easter candy back I found two bags of –what are those puffed cheese snacks ? Jeez the place was boobie trapped. I had one and a half small bags and threw out the rest before I got too far along. Well I was pretty far along actually.

I then had a bright line dinner. And I feel like I really wanna resume tomorrow. I’ve lost 12 pounds and I’m so delighted. I wore a pair of pants today that I haven’t worn in a long time. I really want to keep going with this. I’m a little worried about it all. It never even occurred to me to go to my Emergency Action Plan. I could have had tea with my special essential oil blend. I could have done a brief meditation or gratitude list. But somehow I just skidded past it without noticing. The underlying belief was “I deserve this. “. Ok. Let me do the work. But first:

Considering joining the Boot Camp but wondering about expenses and possible conflict with my husband. I know he’s going to resent the time that I spend doing the Boot Camp. And the money. We really don’t have it. Maybe I’ll be able to get back on track. Wish me luck! I did write out what I’m going to eat tomorrow which I have been doing but not religiously. for this week I really should write down every night what I’m going to eat the next day. Oh yeah I forgot I went for a walk on Sunday. And I wonder if that little bit of exercise used up my Will power. Wow, could that be it?

“I deserve it.” Is it true? I go straight to the turn around. “I deserve to be happy, thin and free.”

The voice whispers “this will help you feel better.” Again I go straight to the turnaround. “Bright line eating” will make me feel better

How about this one: BLE is creating a distance between me and my husband.

1. Is that true? Yes

2. Absolutely? It could.

3. How do you react?

Fearful. Guilty. Bad. Sad. Wrong. Down. Depressed. Tired.

Treat self? Deny self. Put self second.

Treat other? Resent. Angry. Distance. Irritable. Judge.

Mind travel: this is going to be too hard. I have to give this up. This is a burden. This is causing friction.

Thought’s job? To protect me from conflict, causing some one else’s pain.

Terrible thing to happen without thought ?

I’ll get in trouble. I’ll be abandoned , alone.

4. Who would you be without the thought? Yes but not a bad thing. I can offer reassurance.

Turn around: BLE is bringing me home to myself. I deserve to be at home with myself. I deserve to feel good about myself.

I can bring my husband along at a much slower pace. We can get through this but the truth is it may entail some painful adjustments. I’d like Susan to know about The Work. Therapy that works!

Day 2 independent boot camp.

Aldi’s Marinated Artichoke hearts are really perfect for a veggie add-in for the 14 oz veggie requirement at dinner. Overall that’s my biggest challenge. I’m usually gagging by the end of dinner. On the lookout for heavy, easy to eat, veggies. Oh yes, the marinade for artichoke hearts makes a delicious condiment /dressing on my salad. I don’t count it as a fat and use olives for that. Yum.

My husband is mad at me for weighing. Oh well. Mostly he doesn’t notice.

I’m finding plant fats and proteins hold me longer then meat and dairy. Excited to eat more WBPF. I understand this is one of the best things an individual can do for the environment.

I wish Susan would sell the cook book to the public. I also wish she would track non group boot campers who achieve their goals.

Brightline eating independent boot camp.

Tomorrow I start my own private eight week Brightline eating Boot Camp. Dinny and I are trying as hard as we can to save money. And so I’m not splurging for the Boot Camp fees. I’ve just successfully completed the two week challenge. Actually at the end of today. So far so good.

I feel really worried that I might slide if I don’t have all the support that I felt like I had during the two week challenge. I mean really all I had was pre-recorded videos so it’s kind of a psychological thing. If things get really bad I’ll have to go to a local over eaters anonymous meeting. But hopefully I’ll be able to do it. And I’m hoping this blog will help. My biggest challenge is cooking dinner for the family. It’s a whole gosh darn lotta vegetables. For four people That’s 4×14 ounces of veggies. Though no one eats them all but me. Sometimes I almost gag on my last bite because I’m so full. Ha ha. My appetite is definitely decreasing although Saturday and Sunday I noticed I was really ready about two hours before meal time. It was a bit of a stretch.

I notice when I try to eat what Dinny  wants it doesn’t necessarily hold me as well as if I eat what I particularly want. So I’m working with that. Dinny is also eating Brightline foods but he’s not into Whole Foods plant-based rather meat.  He doesn’t eat close to all the fruits and veggies. I’m just starting him out on a couple of bites of fruit and a couple of bites of veggies. And I let him have the bright line eating muffins for a snack if He must. Or I let him have a slice of Ezekiel bread or some shredded wheat. He’s good with that he said his arthritis is 50% better after two weeks. Yay

Cake

December 24, 2011,

Happy Holidays to All:

‎”If sub specie aeternitatis [from eternity’s point of view] there is no reason to believe
that anything matters, then *that* does not matter either, and we can approach
our absurd lives with irony instead of heroism or despair.”
–Thomas Nagel

      So far one of the best parts of having a teen-ager is my reintroduction into the world of popluar music–though technically speaking, Cake is probably not part of a genre called “popular.”  In fact, the lead singer, whom I refer to as “Cake” in my mind though I’m sure he has a real  name, would be pretty durned upset if he knew his music had been classified by the muscial mommy as popular.  John McCrea is the lead singer and and their wide-ranging musical influences include  country music, Mariachi, rock, funk, Iranian folk music and hip-hop.  Ah, no wonder I like it.

So, the best part of this story is that in a stroke of brilliance I suggested to Rowan that we go to see Cake in concert.  And that is just we did, heading into Boston with 5 hours to spare from rural Vermont.  (As Rowan said, “Meg, if we’re late, I’ll kill you).”  Alas the musical mommy is better known as the “late mommy” and at worst, the cursing mommy.  The concert was held at the fabulously baroque Wang theater.  As we headed toward the Wang with throngs of hip urban Cake fans, the sickening fear overcame me that Rowan would be horribly embarrassed to be seen with his short, late 40-something-pudging-slightly-(ok, a little more then slightly) mommy.  I felt ashamed of myself.  But then a beautiful urban 30-something-tall-thin woman approached me (she was hand in hand with her date) asking the way to the Wang Theater!  I had been accepted as a legitimate Cake Fan.  Oh joy–the clouds parted to reveal golden rays of sun and a chorus of angels and giant cherubes.  But wait–it was just the baroque ceiling of the Wang theatre in all its glory.

I purchased a $10 gin and tonic, yikes!!! (haven’t had one in decades) and joined the crowd for some delicious, light and sweet, Cake.

As for the rest. Fortunately, we are all safe and sound without too many changes.  Janie still into gymnastics, Rowan ever more into music.  Me working full time now (also I started a blog called the musical mommy, an installment of which makes up this newletter) and Dinny keeping us all together–the linchpin: a person or thing regarded as an essential or coordinating element.

With Love and Every Good Wish,  I long to hear your news!

Megan