So yesterday was Easter Sunday. What happened was pretty interesting. I was so solid for the past five weeks on my bright lines. It seemed like there was no way I was going to cross them. During that five weeks I’ve been under some really stressful situations and even then no chance of anything happening. And then yesterday I was relaxed and I was cooking up the Sunday dinner which I really enjoy. And I put out some nice pate for everyone else, and looked around for the special cheese I purchased. Which I never could find. But then all of a sudden the part of the brain that Susan talks about– which part?-/-anyway that part said “let’s have a beer.” And I just poured out half a beer for me half for my husband. And I just drank it. It was totally delicious. And then I had about 4 ounces of the pate. It was also incredibly delicious. And then my son arrived on the scene with a super expensive bottle of whiskey. LOL. Well guess. Three glasses of whiskey. And then I felt really irritable like I wanted more but the other part of my brain suddenly clicked back on and said “stop.”
At about noon today I got really sick and threw up in the parking lot at work. I came home and I had a few cups of chamomile tea. I couldn’t eat a thing. But at about 3 PM I started feeling better. I had the protein and fat part of lunch. But didn’t feel like fruit or veggie. Then my son came in with some Easter candy. And then I just had a whole bunch of Easter candy. And then when I was putting the Easter candy back I found two bags of –what are those puffed cheese snacks ? Jeez the place was boobie trapped. I had one and a half small bags and threw out the rest before I got too far along. Well I was pretty far along actually.
I then had a bright line dinner. And I feel like I really wanna resume tomorrow. I’ve lost 12 pounds and I’m so delighted. I wore a pair of pants today that I haven’t worn in a long time. I really want to keep going with this. I’m a little worried about it all. It never even occurred to me to go to my Emergency Action Plan. I could have had tea with my special essential oil blend. I could have done a brief meditation or gratitude list. But somehow I just skidded past it without noticing. The underlying belief was “I deserve this. “. Ok. Let me do the work. But first:
Considering joining the Boot Camp but wondering about expenses and possible conflict with my husband. I know he’s going to resent the time that I spend doing the Boot Camp. And the money. We really don’t have it. Maybe I’ll be able to get back on track. Wish me luck! I did write out what I’m going to eat tomorrow which I have been doing but not religiously. for this week I really should write down every night what I’m going to eat the next day. Oh yeah I forgot I went for a walk on Sunday. And I wonder if that little bit of exercise used up my Will power. Wow, could that be it?
“I deserve it.” Is it true? I go straight to the turn around. “I deserve to be happy, thin and free.”
The voice whispers “this will help you feel better.” Again I go straight to the turnaround. “Bright line eating” will make me feel better
How about this one: BLE is creating a distance between me and my husband.
1. Is that true? Yes
2. Absolutely? It could.
3. How do you react?
Fearful. Guilty. Bad. Sad. Wrong. Down. Depressed. Tired.
Treat self? Deny self. Put self second.
Treat other? Resent. Angry. Distance. Irritable. Judge.
Mind travel: this is going to be too hard. I have to give this up. This is a burden. This is causing friction.
Thought’s job? To protect me from conflict, causing some one else’s pain.
Terrible thing to happen without thought ?
I’ll get in trouble. I’ll be abandoned , alone.
4. Who would you be without the thought? Yes but not a bad thing. I can offer reassurance.
Turn around: BLE is bringing me home to myself. I deserve to be at home with myself. I deserve to feel good about myself.
I can bring my husband along at a much slower pace. We can get through this but the truth is it may entail some painful adjustments. I’d like Susan to know about The Work. Therapy that works!